If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
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My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
A cabbage a day keeps people away.