If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
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By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
If a snake ate a cake
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sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
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[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay