Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
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My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
This is my favorite one of these!
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.