My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 馃槀
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Everything鈥檚 free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
God: you鈥檙e a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it鈥檚 raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I鈥檓 a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there鈥檚 a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
What鈥檚 fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who鈥檚 caught their kid鈥檚 barf in their hand
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back