My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 馃槀
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I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Fiction has to make sense.
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I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he鈥檚 like 100 years old?
men, we mow at sunrise.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
5: I鈥檓 bad at this puzzle
Me: you鈥檙e trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you鈥檙e bad at it
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
God: when they鈥檙e stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
“Dad, I鈥檝e heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn鈥檛 know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year鈥檚 resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Child: What鈥檚 the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I鈥檒l ask mom.