I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
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I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it鈥檚 coming out whether you鈥檙e there to catch it or not
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla鈥檚 had self healing technology?
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Waiter: entr茅e?
Me: I don鈥檛 mind what you bring it on
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I hate when my kids and I can鈥檛 agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I鈥檓 not making it.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 馃槹
My baby:
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
My kid鈥檚 piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody鈥檚 watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Airports have the right idea. If you鈥檙e gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It鈥檚 only fair.