So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
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[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared