Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
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Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*