My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
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I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Yes, this is exactly right
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
How all things should be taught/explained.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?