I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
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priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Saturday
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
…..pretty much.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
socratic questions
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”