…..pretty much.
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you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
#milo
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
the best thing i’ve ever made
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Ooops wrong house😂😜