I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
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ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I mean…but I did
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income