Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
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Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.