There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
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t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
not to brag, but mine was free
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
This meal prepping shit is easy