my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
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wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Phones down.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”