i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
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One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
normalize having existential bread
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.