Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
You Might Also Like
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
gentlemen, hear me out
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances