Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

Noah was an idiot.

to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath

Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.

How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

first you must answer his riddles

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*

Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.