You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
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Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
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Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.