Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.

People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.

The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

Table for six please?

“Is your party coming soon or?”

[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.