Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
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The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
how much for the angry fruit?
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.