It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
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friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh