“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
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Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.