I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
You Might Also Like
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I have taken up painting
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard