I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
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*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.