why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
You Might Also Like
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.