The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
You Might Also Like
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
the answer was staring at me all along
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?