Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
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How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.