DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
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The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
ouch
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin