He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
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Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.