Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
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My purse is deeper than some people.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.