professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
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Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you