Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
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You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.