I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
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People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life