oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
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1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
It’s an epidemic…
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)