“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
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Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
do what now??
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow