My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
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*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
how long have you had this for?
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”