“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
You Might Also Like
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
technically true but not a great slogan
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*