told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
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4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.