I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
You Might Also Like
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
How software testing works
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Am getting real tired of your crap…