@OrdinaryAlso

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

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@stewnami

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

@NYC_Blonde

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

@peterjames48

“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.

@trumpetcake

Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.

@erica_rosie

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

@DrakeGatsby

When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.

@POTerritory

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

@ilovepie84

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.