brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
You Might Also Like
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
When news reporters do sports stories
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.