Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
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Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish