If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

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Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.


My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.


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I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.


The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.


I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.


Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.