If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

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Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”


Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.


*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*


isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.


Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store


Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.


Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.


Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.


[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom