@DamienFahey

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

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@thatdentaldude

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

@Ciara_Knight

Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is

@Nickadoo

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

@KamaroPayne

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

@Chonfucius

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

@trevso_electric

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

@eTHEgoddess

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

@JermHimselfish

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

@weinerdog4life

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.