When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
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I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X