The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
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My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.