[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
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Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.