me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
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If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
☠️☠️☠️