My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
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Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
#Caturday
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I hope this email finds you in a well
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio