me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
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Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
This line from Airplane.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Namaste
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%