y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
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Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
“what’s it like having a sister?”
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it