I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
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Yep.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
For those that worship cheese..
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.