20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
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According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
*praying for world peace*
God:
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet