Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
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Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?