Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
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Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.