20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
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15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
is this store having a stroke wtf
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
…..pretty much.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?